The day I took this photo was such a good day! The sun was shining, it was cool but not too cool, the flowers were just starting to bloom. That day, I felt such an overwhelming peace for where I’m at in life and so much joy in anticipation—anticipation for the day ahead, anticipation for the plans God has for my life. These feelings I began to recognize as the presence of God.

The truth is, that day I had plans with friends, but they ended up having to reschedule. I was a little bummed out at first, but whenever things like that happen, I like to think of that as God’s way of saying He wants more time with me. Those strong feelings of joy, peace, and gratitude confirmed that He absolutely met me there even when my friends weren’t able to.

So instead of canceling my plans, I decided to go out and do the things we had planned to do by myself.

I opened my makeup drawer that day and felt a little something towards the back of it. It was a teeny tiny sample of one of my old perfumes. I love the smell of that perfume, but I could never bring myself to use the sample I had stashed because it reminds me of the absolute darkest time of my life.

The days I wore that perfume, God’s light was so dim. It’s not that He wasn’t there, and it’s not that I didn’t believe, but I wasn’t seeking Him with all my heart, so I just couldn’t feel Him. This is the period right before I hit what I like to call my rock bottom—the place where I turned and fully began to seek God with all my heart, mind and soul, the place where God began to do His work in me.

It’s funny how sometimes we don’t even realize how much we are truly hurting until we get to a completely different place. I held out my wrist, took a deep breath and sprayed. Instantly, I was taken back to a place of pain, darkness, despair, and loneliness. My father had just passed away, my best friend as well as the man I loved had just moved out of state, and I felt completely alone.

After a few moments, that pain I remembered quickly turned to gratitude. Gratitude for how far God has brought me. Gratitude that I could be so happy on that day when circumstances had once again left me alone. I thank God for my past because without it, I wouldn’t realize how blessed I am in the present. I’ve come to realize it was the dark days that pushed me to seek light; I’ve come to realize it was those days that led me to having days like that day.